one last latch

Last Thursday I sobbed in my bed, trying to get you to latch one last time before I went in for hernia surgery. But the sun wasn't up, and you just weren't having it. So laid you back in her crib and left, the plan being to give up this beautiful bond between me and my firstborn. Before you were born, I viewed breastfeeding simply as a healthy, easy way to feed your baby. But it has been anything but easy for us - from mastitis, to losing supply from antibiotics for the mastitis, to nursing strikes, to losing my milk completely from treatment for ovarian cysts. For the last several months I have worked every damn day to keep the dairy flowing, starting each morning with a cocktail of supplements, and often eating oatmeal and beer for dinner because I couldn't satisfy your hunger throughout the day. But there was something truly magical about nursing you that made all the work and worry so worth while. About how your eyes would roll back in your head upon let down, and your little fingers would stroke my hair. The way you would cling to me when you were sick or teething or over-exhausted because I could fix everything with our sweet nursing cuddles. It was so much more than just a means to an end. 

Luckily, my milk has taken longer than I thought to dry up. After a few days of pumping and dumping my tainted milk, I needed to relieve myself. Having been off any drugs for two days, I decided I wanted to try that last latch one more time. I'm so grateful for that voice in my head. You woke up slowly, and I pulled you close in our favorite spot. It felt so incredibly right as I rocked you and your little hands pulled yourself as close as could be. Every now and then you would giggle with a little wrinkle in your nose and then hastily grab for more. And then it was over. We both cried a bit, you out of unsatisfied hunger, I out of  the gravity of an ended season. Though I already miss this sweet aspect of our relationship, I am excited for all the phases we are yet to experience. 

I love you, and I won't soon forget the special moment we shared today. Especially since I expect you to instinctively grab my shirt every four hours for the rest of forever.