My pregnancy with Violet began with a whole lot of prayer and anxiety. For months before we officially began trying, I fasted, prayed, and prepared my body as best I could. And then through our months of waiting came more and more of this focused behavior. Once the pregnancy was confirmed, we were over the moon. But the anxiety remained. There was no heartbeat at our first ultrasound, and my symptoms were so similar to the pregnancy I'd lost earlier in the year. We waited a full trimester to tell anyone besides our parents and sisters, and even then I was crippled with the fear that we would tell our grandparents, miscarry, and kill them with the news. Not exaggerating- that was a serious fear of mine as a few were in grave health. Once I hit 26 weeks I began to seek hope in instagram photos of viable premies and success stories. At every ultrasound, even at 35 weeks when she was moving constantly, I feared there would be no heartbeat or a serious malformation. I really did enjoy a lot of my pregnancy, especially once I could feel her inside of me, but fear and anxiety over her little life was always present.
At last year's Super Bowl party a friend casually asked me when we were going to have another baby. And I almost started sobbing right there in my nachos. Even though I'd always wanted to have my children close in age, I just couldn't bear the thought of repeating the process of waiting, trying, and all the anxiety again so soon. maybe ever. I tried to explain my disorganized thoughts and fears, and my friend told me she would start praying that our next baby would come on its own. I loved that. So I also started praying that God would bless us with more babies in His own time, in His own way.
Last spring I had an ovarian cyst rupture, and I was put on very high doses of estrogen (a common birth control in lower doses). The thought of having more kids was overwhelming (guys, parenting is hard), so there was some peace of mind with this treatment. But my issues with cysts continued, and the anxiety of when to plan for a second baby started creeping in. I mean, obviously God was going to need our intervention since I was temporarily sterilized, right? This fall I was at my breaking point with the pain of six cysts on a single ovary and I asked all of our friends to pray for complete healing. And about a week later, both of these tremendous prayers were answered in one fell swoop.
I didn't bother with a pregnancy test until I was over a week late, and even then I was sure it would be negative. My cysts had made me irregular for several months and I was sure this was a fluke. But it was of course no fluke at all. I went on a long run and took a hot shower while I tried to wrap my mind around what was happening. It took me hours and an episode of TWD to buck up and tell Bobby. I'd edited our Christmas card photos earlier that day and I photo-shopped one to read "Big Sister." He shocked me. He was literally expecting it. He said that during church that morning he had a little daydream of Violet and her little sister playing together. He wasn't shocked, or terrified, or even surprised. I was!
We handed out those modified Christmas cards to our families as soon as we rolled into town for Christmas, just a week later. The few that were surprised were thrilled, but so many people told me they'd dreamed of me coming home pregnant. We were surrounded with comfort, excitement, and a supernatural peace. We told most of our extended family on Christmas, sending Violet into the cottage in a "Big Sister" outfit. Sharing the news before we'd seen any evidence of life was such a test of faith. We were both uneasy about it, but couldn't pass up the opportunity to share the news in person. My sweet Aunt Kami invited us to her ultrasound boutique the day after Christmas, and we received the greatest gift of all - the sweetest little flutter of a heartbeat in our little 7 week peanut. She even took a recording of it and put it in a little lamb. It is now one of my most treasured trinkets.
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